I am in the waining months of my fortieth year and everything has changed. I have ended a marriage and, for the first time in my life, I am living on my own, independent from parents or a spouse...thankfully, my 3 beautiful children are here as well (half time here/half time with dad).
A lot of things emotions fill me up. Fear, excitement, anger, pain, relief, uncertainty...to say it is a mixed bag...is an understatement. The last few weeks have been busy with logistics. Planning, packing, moving, settling, adjusting. And now...things have started settling in emotionally. I read a quote recently that said, "That's the thing about pain. You have to feel it." And what I am discovering is that it is true for every emotion. I have spent the better part of my life pushing aside how I felt. It was unimportant, it was in the way, it was inappropriate. That's what I was told, through words or actions. And I found some incredibly unhealthy ways to fill that up.
And now here I am...40 years old. The life I knew and lived has ceased to exist. And I know that it could have consumed me, the sadness, but what I am really discovering, what I am choosing to embrace is something stronger. It's me.
This incredibly heavy life decision has not taken away from me what I pushed aside too long. Pursue a career that I am passionate about, take the time to write, amerce myself in music, art, culture...even sports. Experience things I enjoy with people I enjoy. This life lesson hasn't destroyed the hope that, in addition to my children, I will spend time sharing these things with people who make me a better person. I have found that even with everything that has happened , my heart is still open and optimistic. It is filled with hope and excitement for everyday that is to come. I know it will not always be easy...but it will be worth it.
And this incredibly difficult and painful decison has not taken that away from me at all. It has done the opposite. It has opened the door.
No comments:
Post a Comment