You know what I would give $20 for? More patience. Seriously. I consider myself a reasonable person, but lately, especially on the home front...I grasping for it more and more. There's a mixed bag of things going on, teenager, testing new boundaries, etc. Quite frankly, I find myself having to remember that the three people I live with are only children after all.
It would be so much easier if they would get on board with my agenda! I am focusing my attention this week on patience, for them and for myself. Laughing it off as much as I can and giving them room to grow.
Maybe that will leave more room for my sanity...we shall see...
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Too Quiet...
I apologize to my blog for neglecting it's exsistence...
Sometimes, so much swirls around and everything I want to say or put down winds up just swirling in my head. While everything has changed...so much is still the same. I'm just seeing things through different eyes, I guess. The way I view my life has changed and the trejectery of it has changed as well.
But I will continue to take it one day at a time...
Keeping my head above water making a wave if I can. To quote a a theme song from long ago...or maybe a better theme song to quote would be...There's a new girl in town and she's feeling good. There's a fresh freckled face in the neighborhood. Things are great when you stand on your own two feet and this girl's here to stay cause love and luck life's gonna be so freeeeeeeee...
It's late and I'm rambling...
Sometimes, so much swirls around and everything I want to say or put down winds up just swirling in my head. While everything has changed...so much is still the same. I'm just seeing things through different eyes, I guess. The way I view my life has changed and the trejectery of it has changed as well.
But I will continue to take it one day at a time...
Keeping my head above water making a wave if I can. To quote a a theme song from long ago...or maybe a better theme song to quote would be...There's a new girl in town and she's feeling good. There's a fresh freckled face in the neighborhood. Things are great when you stand on your own two feet and this girl's here to stay cause love and luck life's gonna be so freeeeeeeee...
It's late and I'm rambling...
Monday, August 20, 2012
40 Is The New Starting Place
I am in the waining months of my fortieth year and everything has changed. I have ended a marriage and, for the first time in my life, I am living on my own, independent from parents or a spouse...thankfully, my 3 beautiful children are here as well (half time here/half time with dad).
A lot of things emotions fill me up. Fear, excitement, anger, pain, relief, uncertainty...to say it is a mixed bag...is an understatement. The last few weeks have been busy with logistics. Planning, packing, moving, settling, adjusting. And now...things have started settling in emotionally. I read a quote recently that said, "That's the thing about pain. You have to feel it." And what I am discovering is that it is true for every emotion. I have spent the better part of my life pushing aside how I felt. It was unimportant, it was in the way, it was inappropriate. That's what I was told, through words or actions. And I found some incredibly unhealthy ways to fill that up.
And now here I am...40 years old. The life I knew and lived has ceased to exist. And I know that it could have consumed me, the sadness, but what I am really discovering, what I am choosing to embrace is something stronger. It's me.
This incredibly heavy life decision has not taken away from me what I pushed aside too long. Pursue a career that I am passionate about, take the time to write, amerce myself in music, art, culture...even sports. Experience things I enjoy with people I enjoy. This life lesson hasn't destroyed the hope that, in addition to my children, I will spend time sharing these things with people who make me a better person. I have found that even with everything that has happened , my heart is still open and optimistic. It is filled with hope and excitement for everyday that is to come. I know it will not always be easy...but it will be worth it.
And this incredibly difficult and painful decison has not taken that away from me at all. It has done the opposite. It has opened the door.
A lot of things emotions fill me up. Fear, excitement, anger, pain, relief, uncertainty...to say it is a mixed bag...is an understatement. The last few weeks have been busy with logistics. Planning, packing, moving, settling, adjusting. And now...things have started settling in emotionally. I read a quote recently that said, "That's the thing about pain. You have to feel it." And what I am discovering is that it is true for every emotion. I have spent the better part of my life pushing aside how I felt. It was unimportant, it was in the way, it was inappropriate. That's what I was told, through words or actions. And I found some incredibly unhealthy ways to fill that up.
And now here I am...40 years old. The life I knew and lived has ceased to exist. And I know that it could have consumed me, the sadness, but what I am really discovering, what I am choosing to embrace is something stronger. It's me.
This incredibly heavy life decision has not taken away from me what I pushed aside too long. Pursue a career that I am passionate about, take the time to write, amerce myself in music, art, culture...even sports. Experience things I enjoy with people I enjoy. This life lesson hasn't destroyed the hope that, in addition to my children, I will spend time sharing these things with people who make me a better person. I have found that even with everything that has happened , my heart is still open and optimistic. It is filled with hope and excitement for everyday that is to come. I know it will not always be easy...but it will be worth it.
And this incredibly difficult and painful decison has not taken that away from me at all. It has done the opposite. It has opened the door.
Monday, July 2, 2012
A to B in 15 Minutes
"A to B in 15 minutes"
This was from a documentary about an injured mountain climber. Instead of looking at how far he had to go horribly injured from a fall on a mountain into a crevase, blizzard like conditions, he would look at his watch and and tell himself, "I will go from A to B in 15 minutes. " He credits having that watch and taking those small steps in getting him back to his base camp and to help.
I am not in a blizzardy mountain crevase with broken bones struggling to save my own life...but when I look at the big picture, my own "mountain", the fear can be paralyzing. My therapist told me that story and it has changed how I am approaching this. I am setting time for smaller tasks to get through the bigger picture. It has halped my focus, it has helped me find direction and it will bring me through the bigger picture.
A to B in 15 minutes. Life changer.
This was from a documentary about an injured mountain climber. Instead of looking at how far he had to go horribly injured from a fall on a mountain into a crevase, blizzard like conditions, he would look at his watch and and tell himself, "I will go from A to B in 15 minutes. " He credits having that watch and taking those small steps in getting him back to his base camp and to help.
I am not in a blizzardy mountain crevase with broken bones struggling to save my own life...but when I look at the big picture, my own "mountain", the fear can be paralyzing. My therapist told me that story and it has changed how I am approaching this. I am setting time for smaller tasks to get through the bigger picture. It has halped my focus, it has helped me find direction and it will bring me through the bigger picture.
A to B in 15 minutes. Life changer.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
I'm Not The Girl I Used To Be
"that was the day she made herself the promise to more from intention and less from habit."
When I set my mind to it, I can do so many things. When I set an intention, the results fill me up. This is not a new idea to me. I know that I spend too much of my life bumping through like a robot..going through motions...doing the things I have always done and finding myself in the same unhappy hole I buried myself in years ago.
I have started living differently. Setting the intention. Following through. It fills me up and makes me feel alive. I'm not the girl I used to be...
When I set my mind to it, I can do so many things. When I set an intention, the results fill me up. This is not a new idea to me. I know that I spend too much of my life bumping through like a robot..going through motions...doing the things I have always done and finding myself in the same unhappy hole I buried myself in years ago.
I have started living differently. Setting the intention. Following through. It fills me up and makes me feel alive. I'm not the girl I used to be...
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
The Gift of Friendship
"Friendship is a sheltering tree."~Samuel Taylor Coleridge
One of my New Year's resolutions always seems to be "cultivate friendships". I am generally friendly with people and yet, I really felt there was always a disconnect when it came to close and meaningful friendships. Therefore, I began 2012 with the intention to focus on and enjoy friendships.
Now five months into the year 2012 and I have learned a few things about friendships, at least as they involve me. Friends have always been there. From Mankato to Duluth to Le Sueur to Minnetonka to Sioux City and now Cottage Grove...
The problem was never that they weren't there or that I didn't have any, the problem was I wasn't being a good friend. I wasn't making time to be a good friend.
These five months, I have made the time to spend with friends. I have let go and had fun and laughed and laughed and I have cried and cried. They have surrounded me with their love and prayers. They have listened to me and offered support. The have held me in their hearts and have been a tremendous source of strength. I have enjoyed reconnecting with old friends on the wonder of facebook. I have learned that cultivating strong friendships has depended on letting people be good friends, letting them in, spending time doing little and big things with them and trusting them with the things I was normally hiding from everyone. I have absolutely learned that to develop and enjoy strong and rewarding friendships, I had to be a good and trusting friend in return.
I am so blessed to have a group of people in my life I consider close friends. They are all things good. Wise, witty, eloquent and empathetic, they have been my sheltering tree. I trust them with everything I have, they are gifts that I may or may not deserve. I just pray that God will guide me and strengthen me to be the kind of friend they continue to be for me and that they deserve in return.
One of my New Year's resolutions always seems to be "cultivate friendships". I am generally friendly with people and yet, I really felt there was always a disconnect when it came to close and meaningful friendships. Therefore, I began 2012 with the intention to focus on and enjoy friendships.
Now five months into the year 2012 and I have learned a few things about friendships, at least as they involve me. Friends have always been there. From Mankato to Duluth to Le Sueur to Minnetonka to Sioux City and now Cottage Grove...
The problem was never that they weren't there or that I didn't have any, the problem was I wasn't being a good friend. I wasn't making time to be a good friend.
These five months, I have made the time to spend with friends. I have let go and had fun and laughed and laughed and I have cried and cried. They have surrounded me with their love and prayers. They have listened to me and offered support. The have held me in their hearts and have been a tremendous source of strength. I have enjoyed reconnecting with old friends on the wonder of facebook. I have learned that cultivating strong friendships has depended on letting people be good friends, letting them in, spending time doing little and big things with them and trusting them with the things I was normally hiding from everyone. I have absolutely learned that to develop and enjoy strong and rewarding friendships, I had to be a good and trusting friend in return.
I am so blessed to have a group of people in my life I consider close friends. They are all things good. Wise, witty, eloquent and empathetic, they have been my sheltering tree. I trust them with everything I have, they are gifts that I may or may not deserve. I just pray that God will guide me and strengthen me to be the kind of friend they continue to be for me and that they deserve in return.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Oh Mama!
"If you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go that a prayer has not already been."~Robert Brault
I can't remember exactly what I believed motherhood would be like before I actually had children. I am certain that I pictured the good and happy things and pushed aside anything that may have scared me.
And now...I am thirteen and a half years into being a mom...it has far exceeded any dream or idea I could have ever had...
It is every cliche' you every hear. It is glimpsing both heaven and hell. It first smiles and laughs and words and steps. First days of school, first school programs and play dates. It is also middle of the night fevers and cleaning up throw up and sick and sleepless nights. And everything in between...
I have watched three children come into the world. Sweet angels, soft and innocent and pure. And the days have flown by so very quickly.
Nicholas, my sweet towheaded and beautiful eyes, arriving in time for Christmas on a 55 degree night. It was just yesterday he was tiny babe...then walking at 9 months and talking. He loved music and anything cars. And now...he is a teenager in the middle of middle school. He is smart and funny, he loves sports and is dabbling in theater as well and he still loves music.
Nathaniel arrived in the heat of August, all dark hair and personality. He was our snuggler and a love, he remains both. Boundless energy and boundless kindness. He loves basketball and music and theater too. He is both bright and the funniest kid, he makes me laugh all the time. He works hard at the things that he does from school to the court.
Emma Grace was a surprise from the moment I discovered I was pregnant. She was a beauty from the moment she entered the world. She has always had a sense of strong independence from infancy on. She is smart as a whip, sings beautifully all the time, she is as athletic as her brothers and is a social butterfly.
I am not sure what I did for God to have given me these children. I am in awe of them alot I know that when I see their report cards or speak to their teachers, I have to remind myself, these are my kids and I am so proud. When I watch them play sports, I am their biggest fan and loudest supporter, it is hard to believe that they have any coordination at all! When they sing or stand in front of an audience have a natural sense of grace, I am taken back by their beautiful sense of self confidence.
I am humbled by the wonderful people they are and continue to become. I just pray God is with them always and with me as I try not to mess things up too badly as they become adults and I always give them all the love they deserve.
I can't remember exactly what I believed motherhood would be like before I actually had children. I am certain that I pictured the good and happy things and pushed aside anything that may have scared me.
And now...I am thirteen and a half years into being a mom...it has far exceeded any dream or idea I could have ever had...
It is every cliche' you every hear. It is glimpsing both heaven and hell. It first smiles and laughs and words and steps. First days of school, first school programs and play dates. It is also middle of the night fevers and cleaning up throw up and sick and sleepless nights. And everything in between...
I have watched three children come into the world. Sweet angels, soft and innocent and pure. And the days have flown by so very quickly.
Nicholas, my sweet towheaded and beautiful eyes, arriving in time for Christmas on a 55 degree night. It was just yesterday he was tiny babe...then walking at 9 months and talking. He loved music and anything cars. And now...he is a teenager in the middle of middle school. He is smart and funny, he loves sports and is dabbling in theater as well and he still loves music.
Nathaniel arrived in the heat of August, all dark hair and personality. He was our snuggler and a love, he remains both. Boundless energy and boundless kindness. He loves basketball and music and theater too. He is both bright and the funniest kid, he makes me laugh all the time. He works hard at the things that he does from school to the court.
Emma Grace was a surprise from the moment I discovered I was pregnant. She was a beauty from the moment she entered the world. She has always had a sense of strong independence from infancy on. She is smart as a whip, sings beautifully all the time, she is as athletic as her brothers and is a social butterfly.
I am not sure what I did for God to have given me these children. I am in awe of them alot I know that when I see their report cards or speak to their teachers, I have to remind myself, these are my kids and I am so proud. When I watch them play sports, I am their biggest fan and loudest supporter, it is hard to believe that they have any coordination at all! When they sing or stand in front of an audience have a natural sense of grace, I am taken back by their beautiful sense of self confidence.
I am humbled by the wonderful people they are and continue to become. I just pray God is with them always and with me as I try not to mess things up too badly as they become adults and I always give them all the love they deserve.
Friday, May 4, 2012
These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things...
"This is who I am. No one said you had to like it."
Things I just love...
Cole, Nate and Emma
my family
friends that know me and still love me
laughing
writing
a cold Coke
wind
a really good book
a really good movie
the experience of going to the movies
getting into freshly washed sheets
a long drive listening to music
a hot shower
connecting with old friends
spending time with friends
good chinese food
monkeys
watching sports (especially when the kids are playing)
peanut m&ms
hearing the piano played or the strum of a guitar
lilacs
these are a few of my favorite things...:)
Things I just love...
Cole, Nate and Emma
my family
friends that know me and still love me
laughing
writing
a cold Coke
wind
a really good book
a really good movie
the experience of going to the movies
getting into freshly washed sheets
a long drive listening to music
a hot shower
connecting with old friends
spending time with friends
good chinese food
monkeys
watching sports (especially when the kids are playing)
peanut m&ms
hearing the piano played or the strum of a guitar
lilacs
these are a few of my favorite things...:)
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Striving To Be More
"I'm just striving to be more than I ever was."
I graduated from Morningside College 18 years ago with a degree in Communications and Religious Studies. Then I got married 6 weeks later. My husband worked and went to school full time to finish his degree. We moved for his job. Then, (and most importantly) we had kids. When our oldest son was turning 2, I went back to work. I didn't pursue a career in communications or religious studies (nor did I choose to pursue a higher degree), I began teaching preschool. It was a church run center where I could take my boy and he would be close enough to keep an eye on. We had another son, I left Open Arms and started at a school 10 minutes away (vs.45 min.) and finally our daughter was born. Emma started kindergarten 2 school years ago...
And now my mind is swirling with the possibilities...where do I go now? What road do I travel down? I love teaching. There is something amazing about working each day with people who are 5 years old and younger. They view the world so much differently than adults do. Everything is a new discovery...small things are exciting. It's a very good thing to have children trust you and believe in you.
But...there are other things calling me as well...
I could continue my education and get a higher degree...I could pursue a career using my degree I earned a lifetime ago and follow the writing I have always loved....
all that I am certain of is...I am striving to be more than I ever was.
I graduated from Morningside College 18 years ago with a degree in Communications and Religious Studies. Then I got married 6 weeks later. My husband worked and went to school full time to finish his degree. We moved for his job. Then, (and most importantly) we had kids. When our oldest son was turning 2, I went back to work. I didn't pursue a career in communications or religious studies (nor did I choose to pursue a higher degree), I began teaching preschool. It was a church run center where I could take my boy and he would be close enough to keep an eye on. We had another son, I left Open Arms and started at a school 10 minutes away (vs.45 min.) and finally our daughter was born. Emma started kindergarten 2 school years ago...
And now my mind is swirling with the possibilities...where do I go now? What road do I travel down? I love teaching. There is something amazing about working each day with people who are 5 years old and younger. They view the world so much differently than adults do. Everything is a new discovery...small things are exciting. It's a very good thing to have children trust you and believe in you.
But...there are other things calling me as well...
I could continue my education and get a higher degree...I could pursue a career using my degree I earned a lifetime ago and follow the writing I have always loved....
all that I am certain of is...I am striving to be more than I ever was.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Seriously?
"Great change is preceded by chaos"
Things are happening and change is in the air. I have started and restarted this blog so many times, I don't even want to count. But I am crossing things off my to do list. And blogging or "observing" (as I call it) is something I promised myself I would do.
I am about to start on a great journey...or I should say I HAVE started on a great journey. I am scared. It wouldn't be as scary were I not carrying three young and innocent and trusting souls along with me. It's not a jouney I would have imagined I would ever go on, it's certainly not the one I ever dreamed of as child or as an adult. But here I am...and the world is not only scary, but (gratefully) it is a wide open adventure. I can count on a couple of things for sure...I have three children I love and adore. I have have family and friends whose love and support I have needed and rested my weary head upon more and more. And I have a loving God who will guide me if I just remember to listen.
This space will not always be heavy...although, on occasions, it will. I'm that kind of girl. Sitting on a wobbly fence between the things that make me laugh and cry. I'm just glad I can feel everything. It just means I'm alive.
Things are happening and change is in the air. I have started and restarted this blog so many times, I don't even want to count. But I am crossing things off my to do list. And blogging or "observing" (as I call it) is something I promised myself I would do.
I am about to start on a great journey...or I should say I HAVE started on a great journey. I am scared. It wouldn't be as scary were I not carrying three young and innocent and trusting souls along with me. It's not a jouney I would have imagined I would ever go on, it's certainly not the one I ever dreamed of as child or as an adult. But here I am...and the world is not only scary, but (gratefully) it is a wide open adventure. I can count on a couple of things for sure...I have three children I love and adore. I have have family and friends whose love and support I have needed and rested my weary head upon more and more. And I have a loving God who will guide me if I just remember to listen.
This space will not always be heavy...although, on occasions, it will. I'm that kind of girl. Sitting on a wobbly fence between the things that make me laugh and cry. I'm just glad I can feel everything. It just means I'm alive.
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