Chapter 19: What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up?

I remember being young and dreaming of being a grown up and everything I thought that meant. I loved the idea of being a writer. What kind of writer be would depend on how old I was at the time. A writer of books. A political journalist. A sports writer. Really, I was all over the place. I could imagine, too, living in cities like Boston, Seattle, Chicago...
Now, here I am. My childhood dreams have given way to grown up reality. I'm not a writer...not in the way I used to daydream about. But, in the grand scheme, I am not THAT old. In probability, I have a lot of life to live. And I have started to nurture that love of words and stories and ideas again...and I am enjoying putting them on paper...or computer screen, I guess. As I work, I feel the ideas and the joy bubble up. It's never too late to follow your dreams.

Chapter 18: What Do I Reunite With?

My high school career was divided into 2...actually 3 places. We lived in Le Sueur until half way through my junior year in high school. When my parents got divorced, we left. I finished my junior year in Roseville. I didn't stay there long enough to form any lasting ties. I spent my senior year and graduated from Minnetonka HS. I have some fond and lasting memories from that time and have a great and lifelong friend.
It's been 20 years since I walked across the stage and took my diploma in hand. The invites to two reunions have come. Thanks to social networking, I have been lucky to reconnect with high school pals through the last few years. I've been thinking a lot about my life in those years. I feel detached from them. I see what I missed and it breaks my heart. I don't have the luxury of a history and a finality that most people have when they graduated from high school. I remember vividly the Le Sueur graduating class on their class trip right down the street from where I worked at a little theater in Excelsior. I walked down to say hello and never made it. I just watched, sadly observing the scene like I was with the ghost of classes past. I remember, as well, sitting in the graduation ceremony for Minnetonka and the after party, feeling more like a spectator than a participant. The stories were foreign...the pictures had nothing to do with me.
And now, 20 years later, 20 million experiences later, thinking about this time...makes me so sad for that person. Because all these years later, it still breaks her heart.

Chapter 17: Technology...yikes!

Computer down for about a month....damn. Back up now...so am I.

Chapter 16: Staying The Course

I read that a new habit takes about three weeks to form into routine. I really saw that in the areas in which I was making changes. I've become a more active water drinker. Made sure to be in bed by 10:30, lights and tv off. Made writing a priority in my day. Routine. It's funny how when things get really busy, really hectic at my house, the first thing I let slip are the things I do for myself. I recognize it. I own it. And...now I will pick myself up and prioritize myself again. It's not too late. It's never too late to take care of me.

"Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going."~John Rohn

Chapter 15: Ouch! I Hit The Wall!

Kaboom! Back up, dusting myself off, and starting off again! Just not from the bottom...

Chapter 14: Serenity Now!

I have to admit...I say the serenity prayer a lot. This small meditation is so simple and, yet, so very powerful. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change". There are so many things in my life I can not control. The only thing I can truly change is myself and how I respond to any given situation or person. "The courage to change the things I can". Change can be scary...unnerving...Sometimes, it can be paralyzing. But through God's grace, I can summon up the strength I need to make a change, a healthy change. "And the wisdom to know the difference". Personally, I feel this is something that only God can provide me. Let me see any given situation with an open mind and an open heart. Let my eyes see a situation for what it is and be with me I handle it with grace and with a fervent trust in you, Lord.
Life can be so chaotic, layered with stress, emotion...there is a great relief I find in the simple words in this prayer. God is with me. But, my spirit has to be present, honest...and ready to do the work too. Amen

Chapter 13: God's Greatest Gift To Me

There will never be anything I will ever be given that measures up to the 3 little beings God has placed in my earthly care. Everyday they amaze me (OK, sometimes it's not always in a good way...)They are smart, kind, funny,creative, fierce. It is a joy to watch them grow, to experience life, to do the things they love. Motherhood is a mixed bag of emotions. Joy, fear, exhaustion, pride, frustration, sadness. I pray daily, let me be able to guide them today. Fill me with patience and peace. Sometimes they will say or do things that blow me away, I can't believe that I am their mom. God has surely blessed me with these amazing people. It is so much more than I deserve. But I am grateful for everyday with them...they a proof of God's love and grace and goodness.
For Nicholas, Nathaniel and Emma Grace

Chapter 12: How a Haircut Makes Me Feel

It's weird how a few inches of hair coming off can change a mood...or at least, my mood. I have to admit, I see where women get makeovers and I salivate! Please, Fairy Godmother (Oprah. Because when you get a makeover, defiantly go with the best!) make me over! New haircut, makeup, clothes, life! Me, me, me! But what I've come to really understand or what I've STARTED to understand is that, if I really, truly want to be made over, the person I really need to talk to about making that happen is me. God has given me a great gift. He has made me, me. I am the one who has sabotaged the best me I can be. When I listen in my quiet conversations with Him, He assures me, encourages me...I am starting to hear Him more clearly.
Like the words of Glinda The Good Witch to Dorothy at the end of The Wizard of Oz, "You've always had r it, my dear." So I continue to drink water, which has never been my beverage of choice...and use my feet to walk, more and more each day, even though exercise has not been a regular vocab word for me...watch what food I'm putting into my body...Because, before, I was treating myself like a garbage dump. But one day at time, I am slowly but surely, making myself over...my body, my mind, my spirit...because I deserve it! Man, what a difference a haircut makes!

Chapter 11: Negative Thinking

I have to admit, I can fall into the trap of negative thinking too often. Like a downward spiral, once it begins, boom! There goes my day. I hate the feeling of my body tense and agitated. Snapping at the people around me. At the end of the day, knowing that I had drained people of quiet, happy days because of my words and my attitude.
Lately, I have been making efforts to start the day peacefully, prayerfully. I want to replace the negative thoughts that can sabotage me with a heart filled with contentedness, gratitude, kindness and humor. I want to be a mother, a wife, a coworker and friend, just a person in general that brings more joy to the world.
Here's to kind words, positive thoughts and a joyful, grateful heart.

Chapter 10: Jeannie's Laws

There are two things I know for sure.

#1 When I lose track of something, I can search for it for hours, even days, and intevitably I will find it the minute I start looking for something I can't find.
And #2 It doesn't matter where I park in a parking lot, I could be in the very back with plenty of parking much closer to the location, but I know when I come out and go to my car someone will be parked next to me either getting in or out of their car.
I'm just saying.

Chapter 9: A Change for the Better

"If you always did what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got" This is a quote a friend of mine lives by and shares with others. Simple, but true...so, so true. I attended a talk given by a woman by the name of Ruth Hayden. She is a financial councilor, but not one that deals with numbers alone. Her counseling and her talk were not about money, specifically, not about numbers. What she spoke about people and change. About the need for change. The pain of change. She spoke about techniques that people use that keep them stuck in their rut, their hole. And then she spoke about the power of change. She spoke of the empowering steps that can allow a person break free and learn to live a healthier, happier life. The things she shared were so simple, but a huge leap for someone struggling. A plan. Steps. A belief. A belief that when change happens, it can be uncomfortable, but it can save your life.

Chapter 8: Resurrection

"The joyful news that He is risen does not change the contemporary world. Still before us lies the work, disipline and sacrifice. The fact of Easter gives us the spiritual power to do the work, accept the disipline and make the sacrifice."~Henry Knox Sherrill

Easter is a beautiful and truly extordinary thing for me. It is beyond my comprehension that God so loved the world, that He sacrificed His own son on the cross so that my sins would be forgiven. But it is not a free pass...the Bible reminds me that "To whom much is given, much is expected." What is expected of me? I found this quote above and it resonated with me so much. Our sins are forgiven AND we still still need to keep on. On Saturday, a friend reminded me, it's about progress, not perfection. Keep moving forward, keepi trying, keep the FAITH.

Chapter 7: I Wanna Thank You

"If the only prayer you ever say is Thank You, that will be enough"~Maya Angelou
It's cliche to say life is hard. But what I have learned, what I am continuing to learn is that what is a trial today, is a lesson for tomorrow. What is asked of me in my life? What does God ask of me? I have come to subscibe to "Thy will, not my will, be done". God has given me a tremendous gift. How I choose to view the events in my life is up to me. Gratitude. Melanie Beattie says, "Gratitiude unlocks the fullness of love. It turns what we have into enough and more..." I have been given so much. Children, health, a roof over my head, food in my refrigerator, a job I love, a family I love and who love me...and even in times that are so difficult, so bad, He is there. His steadfast love keeps me going. He gives me the tools in times of trial. And I am so gateful.

Chapter 6: You've Got To Have Faith

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for. The promise of things not seen." Hebrews 1:11 KJV.

I have lived enough of a life to know that I would not be here today without the presence and grace of my Heavenly Father. He has given me everything need. Have I always been a good and faithful servant? No. Do I try each day? Yes...some days are better than others! But what what has sustained me through each day, each sorrow, each joy is the verse from the Bible spelled out above. The gifts He has given me are priceless. My faith is my buoy. I know that, no matter what the road brings me, I am sustained through a loving God. I am so grateful...I am so humbled.

Chapter 5: Checking In

I sat down and decided to reread my past blogs today...I was drawn to the one where I was listing some goals I was planning to focus on. So this blog is a personal checkin for myself. While it has taken a while and the steps have been small baby steps, I have been stepping! I have put my "goals" into catagories...
Reclaiming My Soul: I have been working on writing. I love writing and currently I am focusing on this blog and journaling as well. Writing has become a way for me for me to fill some areas in my life where I was using other incredibly unhealthy things before. I used to write alot more in my "younger" years...it was something I truly missed. I realized the only thing really stopping me was...well, me. The time I am able to sit and focus on words and ideas and fleshing them out on paper or screen is a gift I am giving myself.
Reclaiming My Body: You are supposed to treat your body like a temple. Shamefully, I have spent a lot of my life trating mine like a garbage dump. I am walking towards the temple though. I am trying very hard to nurture respect my body. Watching what I am putting into it and how I spending my day with it. Sleep, exercise, water...baby steps.
Reclaiming My Mind: I am also taking the time to fill my mind with more intersting and thoughtful things. I am trying to read books that are stimulating and really enjoying the time I am taking to do that. I am also thinking about returning to school sometime in the near future. My mind is start to crave stimulation.
Reclaiming My Spirit: God has given me so much. Much more than I ever deserved, I know this for sure. I admit that I am not in control of my life, my life is in the hands of my Heavenly Father. With Him, I have everything I could ever need. And while I acknowledged this, I had to also admit that all He wanted in return was my time. So Each day, I am dedicating some time, some quiet time in prayer, in meditation, in His word. I thank Him daily for the gifts which he has placed in my life. I am so very grateful.
Reclaiming Jeanne...a work in progress...

Chapter 4 Embracing The Simple Pleasures

Recently I watched the 1999 film American Beauty starring Annette Bening and Kevin Spacey. One of the things in the movie that really resinated with me was the character's pursuit of happiness, especially the character of Carolyn Burnham. We see her in intense pursuit of the finest things, expensive things, things she believes will fill her emptiness and make happy. But what we the viewers can plainly see is how empty she remains, how exhausted she is from her pursuit. In contrast, she husband Lester, in almost an act of rebellion against her, begins to pursue the things that he remembers bringing him happiness...as a much younger version of himself. And in the both the waining moments of both Lester's life and the film, her realizes what truely brought him the joy in his life. It didn't have to with the car he drove or the how great his body looked. It was his wife's laugh and his daughter's smile...
I began to think of the simple pleasures for me...an icey Coke from McDonalds, slipping in to freshly washed sheets, watching agreat movie in the theater with a good box of popcorn, the wind blowing fiercely, a good book, a belly laugh that seems to laugh for ever, a compliment, helping someone, tucking my kids into bed and watching them fall asleep, my kid's smiles, the show Friends or thirtysomething, finishing something I thought I couldn't, a fanatastic conversation, music of The Dixie Chicks or Mary Chapin Carpenter, American Idol, a good steak...I'm a simple girl. That's just who I am.

Chapter 3: Who I Used To Be?

It's funny, looking back. There are a few things that have stayed with me all my years. One of those is the fact that I love to laugh. To me, it can be so cathardic, healing. I love funny jokes, funny stories, funny movies...even laughing at myself is something I can even do. This would be a good place for an example. I don't have one. There are plenty, I just can't recall one.
Even in times and places of deep darkness, if I can find a way to laugh, it can save me. There have been a lot of those, but I keep on. Laughter has been a lifeline. I read a quote from Charles Swindoll a while back that went something like "A sense of humor is not an option, it's a survival skill." I think he wrote that for me. I carry it like my armour and it serves me well.

Chapter 2 Procrastination PT2?

Ok...so Chapter 1 was labeled "Procrastination"...2 months ago...chuckle. I'm nothing, if not consistant. Actually, the last 2 months have been less about procrastination and more about change. Small, but vital steps.
Here it is, February 21 and the season of Lent is upon us. People around me are talking about what they are "giving up". I was pondering long and hard about what I should give up...what has occured to me is this. For Lent, I am going to embrace some more of the things that I have procrastinated about...consistant excersize, drinking more water and working at writing. It's something I really love to do, but it's the very last thing I give time to. So that's the goal for Lent and beyond. That's my "Chapter 2". So...see you next week.